Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart