I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
every college guy’s fridge
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Who called it baking and not making love
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”