How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I found your tweet-up…
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.