[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Did…did a minotaur write this
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.