News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Social Media and Real life
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
my dad has had enough
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
That’s enough internet for the day
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk