“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high