hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister