Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.