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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery