[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?



*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]


I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait


nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”


I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.


The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.


If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.