I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Breaking news:
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.