Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

ㅤ

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”