Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You Might Also Like
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?