Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.