ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
what’s the point then??
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.