I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing