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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“i am a sweet baby”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]