My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.