airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.