Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You Might Also Like
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here