Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My life in a nutshell
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.