@TheAndrewNadeau

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

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@English_Channel

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

@YSylon

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

@AbbieEvansXO

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

@Overdue_Bills

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@mattgallo123

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

@SatiricalMommy

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.