@TheAndrewNadeau

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

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@AngieDavisHaha

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

@jasomnambulism

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

@andrewmpearce

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

@Carbosly

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

@_Mo_lee_

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

@0hJuliette

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

@XplodingUnicorn

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@ieatanddrink

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag