Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?


I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.


Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*


Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.


Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.


Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity


It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.


Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.