THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
A tragic love story in two pictures.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
damn he’s good
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey