Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
when someone rings the doorbell
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”