I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.