If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
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Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
