sir, my pâté if you please
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me