Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd