If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
🤔😂😂
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.