Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird