There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
guilty
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*