Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Yes, but it was never about money
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Meow
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.