cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Siri: Retweet me.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.