Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.