I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Spring cleaning checklist…
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast