disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.