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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS