Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!