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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.