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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.