Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.