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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.