Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
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Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Only a mother’s love …
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse