Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Perfect
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.