[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough