American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You Might Also Like
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.