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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
need him
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?