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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
This kid is a star!
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss