When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.