feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums