i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!