It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.