Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”