Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.